Wednesday, 24 December 2014

Have Your Cake/ Eat It Too

Do we hunt for ambition, recognition and financial success to compensate for the lack/ absence of a certain wholehearted, unadulterated, uncompromising, unfaltering acceptance of who we are by a fellow human being who shall concurrently also promise to walk by our side when we are at our least attractive nadir and snappiest possible mood..?
I'm beginning to wonder if this statement holds true for me. Whether I am an exception to the rule or just another head in the crowd of predictable human specimens. I think I have always been fairly well-aware of the faults that I harbour in my system and the demons that I carry in my mental suitcase; and I have also been just as conscious about my strengths and the secret superpowers that I conveniently hide and save for a rainy day. I know what I'm good at and I know what I can effortlessly mess up; I've always know this thanks to my father who always told me to work harder on the things that I'm good at so I became invincible at them.
All my life, I've been one of those kids who have known exactly what they want. My doubts and indecisiveness was restricted to restaurant menus alone. I knew I wanted to be a dentist and I chased that dream until it came true. I knew I wanted to travel the world and live alone for a long enough period to know what I'm capable of doing when left to my own commands; I did that and learned the lessons that were deemed important enough by my very analytical and overactive mind.
On the top of my head, these are the dreams that I have managed to scratch off my list up until now.

However, what about the contrasting dreams that still tend to occupy my proverbial throne? How do I deal with that steadfast wish to be a published author sitting at a bookstore with cameras flashing at me and fans getting their copies signed, when this clashes with that very primal, feminine desire to have a beautiful home of my own with a family that I love and nurture, tending to details like the colour of my coffee mugs and if the lightbulbs in the pantry have been changed or not..?
Are these two images possibly viable to sustain at a simultaneous pace, or are these parallel train-tracks that cannot really exist together for long enough?
Which side of the coin do we choose when both halves offer a slice of a sweet victory that will undeniably bring a smile to our face?
And more importantly, will that one victory be enough, or will our very human tendency to still hope for greener pastures continue?

At the beginning of this month, I told my best friend that I would stick to being zen from now; be at a forced ceasefire with the skeletons in my closet and outside evils that threaten my inner peace.
I think that's a wise call and that perhaps the best thing for me to do would be to stick to this idea until I forget that I'm forcing myself to ignore the issues that trouble me.
Whatever gets me there, to that elusive Utopian fairytale.

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