Life Keeps On Keeping On

Is success merely a mental construct? Or is it a quantifiable, measurable, tangible thing? Can you see success, can you feel it, smell it, taste it?

I have always believed that happiness and success are congruent. You can only be truly successful when and if you are happy, and your happiness can only ever be unadulterated if you are successful. But is that really the deal?

I find myself struggling professionally in ways that have been previously unknown to me, because since as far back as my memory allows me to retrospect, I recall success- academically and otherwise. I was always a good student in school and in college, with good grades, a good record and good references. Looking back, I know now that I was a successful young girl in whatever I chose to do. But then that's the thing- you only have 20/20 vision in retrospect. 

I have spent the past two months struggling to feel like myself, to feel confident (because confidence was so inherent to me all my life, that this now feels very uncomfortable), and to be able to give as much love as I get. I know that I have grossly minimized my social interactions over this period because of the reasons I just mentioned. It hasn't been an easy phase, but then, is any phase in life an easy one? Doesn't each phase come with its own demons? And most importantly, doesn't each phase come with its own expiry date? 

My big brother, in all his bearded wisdom, told me a few days ago that life simply 'keeps on keeping on'. Now while I think he ought to really trademark this line because of its brilliance, I am also trying my best to inculcate this into my brain and heart. Good things take time, and it's important to remember that if you find yourself in a (professional) rut, at least don't sit and furnish it. I have been doing my best to work on my book off late because that seems like the only thing that I can actually do to feel useful and productive. 

Meanwhile, I wonder in my spare time- which I currently own in plentiful- what being successful must feel like. Maybe this wondering will help me visualize it and get there, because I really do believe that you always get what you truly want if your wishes stem from a pure and real place. And mine stem from the heart, so it really can't get any realer than that.

Rich

There hid a magnificence
Beneath that muddy squalor
Where the weeds grew,
And the insects thrived,
And where coins hummed
An infrequently heard jingle.
Beneath this grime
That grew in salty layers
Of despondence, poverty
And hopelessness-
The child still played
With the runaway wheel,
His laugh resonating
Like echoes in a wine cellar
Which hid bottles and secrets,
And stories that you could
Only hear when you listened
Close enough.

Goals

We walk on, with our backs to the past and our chins raised high, like the expectations we bear from each year as it dawns on us with an unrelenting punctuality and that unwavering hope that this year shall be better.
January is half-over already, and this realization makes me scratch my head and sit in bewilderment because frankly, I don't remember much about where and how time flew by and we reached this date on the calendar. Life has been different, if nothing else, off late. I think I can safely say that I am in a state of transition, trying to glide into a different mould, a different lifestyle, and a different role. It is exciting; that kind of exciting where you find butterflies in your stomach and a nervousness in your brain. ("Will it be good? I hope it will be good. I hope it will be happy").
There are certain habits that I wish to adopt this year, and I can say with complete honesty that I am working on them.

Patience.
I am notorious for being impatient among those who know me, always hoping and wishing for things to happen right when I want them, and getting thoroughly dejected even if there is the slightest delay. Whether it is about me waiting in line for the trial room at a store or me waiting for glorious things to happen in my career- I have always been impatient, and I am not proud of it.

Tolerance.
No, I do not wish to be like the majority of the people around me in the city who are intolerant of differences and changes. Being tolerant and kind to one another and to our beliefs is crucial to the success of any society. I hope I can be the kind of woman this year that embodies this belief.

Gratitude.
I am constantly told by someone very close to me that I ought to be grateful for all the things that I am lucky enough to be blessed with; that I ought to allow these blessings to ground me and to anchor me. It is so easy to blame the world for being unfair and partial in the way it metes out different grades of justice to us, but it's a fact that we need to acknowledge and accept. And it's equally important to remind ourselves that every dog certainly does have his day. Good times might not be very abundantly splayed out into our lives, but neither are bad days. We must learn to enjoy and appreciate the familiar comfort of mundanity. The joy of coming home after a long, tiring day and knowing that your faithful cup of coffee is still hot, your dog still loves you with an unparalleled selflessness, and you have a family that shall protect you even when they would rather be doing other things- these are those famous 'little things' that truly make for a happy life.

Optimism.
I have gone on several rants and declarations on my blog over the years about what an unputdownable optimist I am. Well, 2015 was a bit of a wet blanket for me, what with all the health issues I dealt with, and it unfortunately managed to be a dampener for my glass-half-full ways. Sickness really does take a toll on your mind, just as much as it does on your body. A change in your physical appearance can be mercilessly talked about and reminded to you even by those closest to you. I wish people were a little more sensitive about the way they objectify people's bodies. In 2016, I hope that good health for me and my loved ones is a major highlight because I know how valuable it truly is. I hope that my scepticism dials itself down and I return to the mindset which has allowed me to be who I have always (thankfully) been.

Individualism.
So often, I find that my mood tends to mirror that of those around me. Now while it might be a scientifically proven fact that humans are psychologically programmed to feel the way their loved ones are feeling, I want myself to be a little more independent this year. I want myself to start thinking with a freer mind and a calmer heart so that it is easier for me to be happy and to spread happiness amongst those that I care for. This is not to be confused with selfishness, because my long-term goal in this regard is to able to give as much love as I get, and I know that this is only truly possible when there's lesser angst inside of me borne from the embarrassing knowledge that I depend on others for my happiness, that I feed off of their smiles. To be a better partner, daughter and friend, I know that this is an important attribute to adopt.

Discipline.
I have begun to appreciate and respect discipline in a huge manner thanks to a certain someone. The more disciplined you are, the more efficient you shall be. And this is, by far, the toughest attribute that I want to inculcate into my life this year. It is not easy to drag your derriere out of bed on a cold January morning and head out to the gym with the punctuality of a Swiss watch. But I watch him do it, every day-come rain, shine or wind-and it inspires me to be a better person. It inspires me to take time more seriously and to discard that horrible Indian trait that we all carry in our genes of underestimating its importance. We would be a more successful nation if we were a bit harsher on ourselves for wasting time with that shameless nonchalance that we have become infamous for.

Never before in  my life have I consciously found myself sitting down and wondering how I can be a better person, not just for myself but for those that I love. So much of that has to do with having the good fortune of knowing that I am in safe hands; but it also has a lot to do with age.
I can sense the changes in my personality that have revealed themselves to me over time, and this knowledge makes me feel better about myself.
So much of a person's happiness comes from self-acceptance. I hope this year takes me a step closer to being more comfortable in my own skin and towards my goal of being a better human being. I think this world is in dire need of that, anyway.

Treasure

I will carry my jewels with me
To the skies, when I leave.

These necklaces from the passionate throws
Of afternoons in the sun,
And these rings on my fingers
That outline each story
I have smiled at-
I shall wear them when I pass on
Into the nothingness.
And these diamonds that you gave me
Heavy with memories
And light with the sound of our laughter,
They shall sit on my earlobes
Like a queen on her throne,
And they will play the sound
Of you voice to me, when I so desire.
(And I always desire for you..)
These anklets that kiss my feet-
Soft kisses of a practiced lover-
Anchor me to this life
That we are building together;
For even the greatest of ships
Need solid grounding
To remember the port and to fear the seas.
I shall wear these bangles-
That pretend to be your hand
Holding onto mine,
Helping me cross busy streets,
Guiding me through turbulent times,
Celebrating our victories.

I will carry my jewels with me
To the skies, when I leave.
And when we meet next, you shall see
My necklaces, my rings,
My diamonds, my anklets,
And my bangles,
And you shall remember who I was,
Who I am, and who I shall always be
For you..

Another Year, Another Ode

The past has been written

With an unforgiving, blatant ink

That flows like the Nile

Amidst sands of yore

And mounds of several misty yesterdays

That were sometimes happy,

And other times upsetting,

Sometimes remarkable and celebratory,

And other times, uneventfully bleak.

The past has been written 

By a familiar hand 

That holds the pen with a great reverence,

Because it writes the story of a life-

One year at a time,

Taking each word as it flows

And assumes a shape that destiny shall harbor

In her mysterious waters

While she hides the next sentence

Behind ships that have sailed

Into a crimson sunset

That smiles warmly at all who look at it.

The future remains unwritten-

An empty book

That smells of freshness and possibilities,

Of joy and friendship,

Of family and togetherness,

And that fragrant sweetness 

That only emanates from a deep, stark love

That is both visceral and tangible.

Like the gods that we worship,

Taking every shape imaginable, 

And yet being the invisible presence

That defines the existence of this poet-

Not a glaring declaration

But an indelible tattoo of the one name

That makes all the difference.

My future belongs to you, love.

An Ode To My Favorite Eyes

There have been several suns,
And so many mountains
That have shielded my rivers
And given life to my trees;
And yet the portrait that hangs
Over my shoulders like a tattoo
Is that of your eyes-
Browner than mine,
Warmer than mine,
Deceiving the world
With their chameleon-charm
Because only I know
How soft that smolder can get
And how much love
Those twin spheres of secrecy hide.

The Word Of The Year '15

My mornings almost always follow a worn out pattern that has been followed by me with a very steady punctuality over the years. I wake up to the somewhat benign chimes of bells as my phone belts out its first alarm and does its best to shake off my REM sleep. After several hits on the snooze button, I finally drag myself out of bed and try to shrug away the sleep from my caffeine-lusting brain.
No alarms and no noise can do the job for me though, and it is that first merciful cup of coffee that is my true friend, my true savior.
As I come back to life and to the world each morning, I always sit with the day's newspapers to sort of remind myself that there is, indeed, a world beyond the four walls that bind me. This has always been something that I look forward to and find solace in; a cerebral exercise for the general knowledge points it helps me gain, and for the fact that it puts a lot of things in perspective for me. More often than not, newspapers are bearers of bad news. This is an unfortunate and age-old truth that I believe in, and it doesn't imply that I am being pessimistic or glass-half-empty when I say so. A murder here, a rebellion there, a robbery here or a political quarrel there. Out of all the headlines you read in the papers, very few will spell out good news of any kind. There is nothing new or unusual about this corollary of mine.

However, I find that over the past few months, there has been this unfamiliar shroud of darkness that has cast its shadow over our papers and magazines. Everything that I read these days announces in an unfriendly hiss how everything about our country is going to the dogs. In fact the articles sound so disturbing to me that my father and I find them akin to a soothsayer's morbid predictions.
Suddenly, it has become trendy to call everyone intolerant. I'd go so far as to name it the word of the year. (And the Word of the Year 2015 Award goes to INTOLERANT! Applause please!).

Now here is my two bit about what I have deduced from this growing wildfire.
With a change of governance there will obviously be very visible changes in our society and in our administrative structure; if not, then what would be the whole point of the electoral process and of democracy? You might as well just embrace anarchy or a dictatorship then.
I am no fan of Narendra Modi or his saffron-clad cronies, neither am I a fan of Rahul Gandhi, unless of course you're referring to his severely humorous memes which I unabashedly enjoy. I'm of the cliched view that every politician is nearly the same, and even then, it isn't just the leader who molds and frames the set-up. Every single man or woman we voted for and put in power does that for us as a team, as an anastamosis of minds and hearts.
This sudden rage of banning beef or alcohol or maggi (by far the cruelest ban of the year) or films which show India in a negative (yet true) light has created a very angry, very hostile atmosphere. But what it has created to a greater and more dangerous degree has been that opportunity for the Opposition party which was spurned and burned mercilessly in the last elections, and rejected from the centre without an apology or a second glance, to recreate the perception of the BJP in the eyes of each Indian who voted for it.
There is no doubting the fact that the present Censor Board folks have taken cinema in India back by a few hundred years. You cannot beep out a word here or blur a kiss there and still expect the art to remain untouched and complete. In this regard, if nowhere else, I do agree with the anti-intolerance brigade. I suppose I speak for all cinema-loving Indians when I say that the statusquo of our censor board is not very bright or happy. These folks need to be waken up and brought out of their time machines; it's 2015 guys, not 1899.

Apart from this singular point of agreement, I do not find anything different or noteworthy in the common man's life. I agree that the arrival of the now-infamous 'achhe din' is still a mysterious date on our calendars, but apart from that, life is much the same for everyone in the subcontinent.
According to me, the only difference now which apparently makes us 'intolerant' is the overuse of hashtags and the domination of social media over our lives.
It is so easy for us to start such trends today; all it takes is one bored idiot with a smart phone, some time to kill, and a poorly inspired vendetta. And before you know it, your vendetta might just go viral and spread over the world with a relentless unwavering march. The patience to weigh one's words before uttering them, and the conscientious judgement before making a public statement seem to be lost amongst us today.
If for nothing else, I shall remember 2015 for the year that we were declared intolerant by our own loud voices, and for the year where a hashtag gained greater power than the truth. What a world, and what a year!